Mitchell (Mystery Science Theater 3000 version)
Director: Andrew V. McLaglen
Starring Cast: Joe Don Baker, Martin Balsam, John Saxon
Title: Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV show)
Starring Cast: Joel Hodgson, J. Elvis Weinstein, Trace Beaulieu, Frank Conniff
Reel Reviews Rating of just Mitchell:
Reel Reviews Rating of The MST3K version:
All right, before I begin, I have to say that on its own, Mitchell sucks ass. It’s so horrible and extremely painful to watch.
What you need to do is watch this with a guy and two robots who heckel the living hell out of this POS movie.
Friends, your wish has been granted.
Since this is technically a movie within a TV show, I’ll review the movie first and then the TV show.
Joe Don Baker plays Mitchell, a hard boiled detective in a soft boiled body. His interests include porn, cheap beer, and arresting hookers (Linda Evans) after having sex with them. He goes after rich old white guys who are actually drug lords or something like that. The end.
This movie sucks so bad that I can’t even remember half of it. All I remember is that it’s basically a cheap imitation of those 70’s cop movies, which is saying a lot. Certain parts of the plot make absolutely no sense. For example, why the hell does Mitchell get all up in Walter Deaney’s (John Saxon) face? The guy was defending his home from a burglar, for heaven’s sake. Oh yeah, and the car chase scene was seriously pathetic. It’s like, ooooo look at these ginormous land boats going at 40 miles an hour!
Now, what makes this craptastic movie fun to watch is through Mystery Science Theater 3000. For those who don’t know, MST3K (as fans like to call it) was a TV show that involved a guy named Joel (Joel Hodgson) and his robot friends. Joel was a janitor who worked at a research center. For some reason the mad scientist (Trace Beaulieu) and his assistant (Frank Conniff) imprison Joel in the Satellite of Love and shoot him into space. They try to torture him by sending him the most godawful movies ever filmed. Fortunately, Joel is no ordinary janitor, and to maintain his sanity he builds a group of robot buddies to keep him company, two of which sit with him to watch the shitty movies. They basically spend the entire movie making fun of it.
Mitchell is often cited by fans as one of the best MST3K episodes ever, with ‘Manos’ the Hands of Fate being the other movie fans like the best. Incidentally, Manos is #15 on the Top 100 Worst Movies ever made, according to the IMDB. Mitchell is #47. I haven’t seen Manos, but I will say that the MST3K version of Mitchell is hysterical. Joel and his robot friends Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot come up with one zinger after another. My boyfriend has seen Mitchell twice, and he says that it’s even funnier when you’re really drunk. Shame that I wasn’t at the time. Perhaps when I watch Manos.
Here are a few quotes from Joel and the robots while watching Mitchell:
Who’s the puffy guy who’s a big dirty sex machine? MITCHELL!
Mitchell…Licensed to Slouch.
Mitchell – Heart’s poundin’
Mitchell – veins’ cloggin’
He looks like the Wrathful Buddha!
If these quotes don’t make sense, then you’ll just have to rent the movie and watch it yourselves. So one of these days, if you’re drunk off your ass and have nothing better to do, check out the MST3K version of Mitchell. Soon you’ll be quoting brilliant wisecracking remarks as well.
UPDATE: I found more MST3K Mitchell quotes from Wikipedia. They are brilliant, I tell ya.
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