Reel Reviews

Film Reviews by a Real Person, Not a Critic

Blade: Trinity

Title: Blade: Trinity
Year: 2004
Director: David S. Goyer
Starring Cast: Wesley Snipes, Jessica Biel, Ryan Reynolds
Rated: R

Reel Reviews Rating:

Here’s the thing- I LOVE the first Blade movie. It’s so freaking awesome and badass. Wesley Snipes was so cool with that Brazilian kung-fu thing that he does when he’s killing vampires. Even Stephen Dorff was tolerable. Actually, I thought he was great in it. I especially like the scene where Blade is getting his ass handed to him and is crumpled to the floor, and Stephen Dorff’s character is like, “Look at you. You’re a little BITCH.” Man, that was funny.

(I haven’t seen Blade II.)

So when I heard that Blade: Trinity was featuring two other main characters I thought, “What the hell? Blade works alone!” Yeah I know, he has Whistler with him (played by Kris Kristofferson) but Whistler kind of remains in the background most of the time. And when I realized that one of these characters was be played by Jessica Biel, I thought, “Oh shit. Another one of those pretty actresses trying to jump on the asskicking female bandwagon.” Needless to say, I didn’t expect much from the movie. And I’m glad I didn’t.

In case you’ve never seen any of the Blade movies, here’s a little backstory. Blade is one Eric Brooks, who by a twist of fate was born half-human, half-vampire. Also known as “The Daywalker” by vampires since his human side allows him to walk in daylight, Blade has made it his life’s mission to hunt and kill them. At the same time, he struggles every day to maintain his human side and not give in to “the hunger”.

In Blade: Trinity, a group of young vampires decided that a good way to keep Blade off their backs is to get the FBI after him by framing him for a bunch of crimes and murders. Meanwhile, they resurrect Dracula, who they hope can destroy Blade for them and usher in a new era for vampires. Blade meets a vampire-killing group called the Nightstalkers and reluctantly teams up with them in the quest to defeat Dracula.

Sounds pretty cool, right? Not quite. First of all, even though this movie has the word “Blade” in the title, you barely see poor Wesley Snipes. Why? Because he has 2 co-stars who take up part of the screentime. Because you have Parker Posey (who was just so corny and overacted it was ridiculous) as the vampire leader taking up screen time. Because the rest of the Nightstalkers also take up more screentime than they should have, in spite of the fact that it was so predictable that these useless characters would all die anyway. Because there’s a goddamn KID they had to save, and she took up screentime. I hate it when movies force totally unnecessary child characters into the plot for some lame reason (the cuteness factor; to tug at your heartstrings, to feel sorry for the kid and all that crap).

Second of all, I couldn’t stand the blatant product placement. There were times I’d forget I was watching a movie and thought I was watching an Apple commercial. Ooh, the Nightstalkers use Powermacs to track down vampires. Fancy. Meanwhile, Jessica Biel’s character Abigail listens to her iPod while she fights. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? Wouldn’t your sense of hearing be kind of important when you’re up against the undead????

Third, I want to know what the hell they were thinking when they picked Dominic Purcell to play Dracula. I was like, “The Father of all Vampires is an Italian male model??” This guy is supposed to be intimidating and threatening, yet sexy. He was neither intimidating or threatening. I could not take him seriously.

Fourth- What is up with Jessica Biel as a vampire hunter? Wasn’t she from that 7th Heaven TV show? How is she suddenly doing kung fu and using bows and arrows all over the place? The image just seems so forced, like Kate Beckinsale in those Underworld movies. She just didn’t fit the role. Again I ask, what is up with these actresses wanting to appear more badass? I’m waiting for the day that Reese Witherspoon and Gwenyth Paltrow bust out nunchuks in their movies.

In spite of my complaints, there are some good points. One is that some of the fight scenes are still relatively cool, but not nearly as cool as the opening scene in the first Blade movie. Oh my God, what an awesome scene.

Another sorta good point is the presence of Ryan Reynolds. I’ve never seen The Fast and the Furious so I didn’t know anything about him, but in Blade: Trinity he was hella funny. I especially like the DVD outtakes that show him ad-libbing a certain line several times, and each time was funnier than the last. Plus, he was very good eye candy. Hot damn, he has a HOT BOD! Holy shit man! He’s got some killer abs!

Overall, I don’t recommend renting Blade: Trinity. It just pales in comparison to the first Blade. Rent Blade I instead.

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December 7, 2005 - Posted by | Action, Fantasy, Sci-Fi

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